If Only
by mangokhaoniaow
Summary: Umi has always loved Kotori. Kotori, however, has only ever looked at Honoka. But after getting her heart broken, Umi is there to comfort her beloved. And now, Umi is the one Kotori can't take her mind off of. Permission to use the fantastic image as the cover was given by nextstopplease. Check out more of their amazing work on tumblr!
1. Chapter 1

***I couldn't find enough drama KotoUmi fanfics to satisfy myself so I decided to write my own. This is set 4 years after the LL movie. I'm not sure yet whether this will be a one-shot or a series but I suppose I'll see if anyone is interested in reading more first. This is my first story so reviews are welcomed and greatly appreciated.**

Kotori's amber orbs were shimmering. Her smile was stunning. Her laugh made butterflies dance in Umi's stomach.

 _'If only she was like that when talking to me,'_ Umi thought to herself as a small sigh escaped her delicate lips _._ Her eyes couldn't help but be drawn to the ashen-haired woman sitting across from her as she talked animatedly to their childhood best friend, Honoka. The bluenette had her left elbow propped up on the table; resting her face on her palm as the other hand lazily twirled a straw through her drink. Her gaze lingering on Kotori's pink lips before sliding down to look at the creamy skin of her neck and partially exposed chest.

 _'The time apart after starting college did nothing to dampen my feelings for Kotori,'_ she thought idly, polishing off yet another drink. _'I feel more like a pervert than anything.'_

Being in college meant all of the former Muse members had packed schedules, making it hard for them to spend time together like they did in high school. But for the first time in a few months, all of them were free and they eagerly decided to reunite and catch up with one another. And since they were now all of drinking age, Nozomi suggested meeting up at a trendy bar downtown.

Umi found herself seated with Maki and Nico to her left, and Eli and Nozomi to her right. Directly in front of her was Kotori, with Honoka to her right, and Hanayo and Rin to her left. At first, Umi was ecstatic to see Kotori after more than a month and a half of being apart. The two had barely even texted each other anymore. Needless to say, Umi was craving her attention. But watching the object of her affection act like a school girl in love made part of Umi wish she had declined the invitation. Made her wish she were somewhere- anywhere else.

Aside from greeting each other at the beginning of the night, the bluenette and ashen-haired woman had hardly spoken a word to one another. Instead, Kotori was focusing most of her attention on the ginger-haired woman beside her. She could never be mad or bitter at childhood friends, though. It wasn't anyone's fault that Kotori loved Honoka instead of her. Umi could never even properly confess to the woman she has always loved in fear of ruining their friendship. The only person she could blame was herself.

Umi had preferred to remain quiet throughout the night - save for some small conversations with Maki or Eli- as she watched the woman in front of her and knocked back a few more drinks than she was used to. She never noticed the concerned glances of Maki and Eli as she continued to focus on her beloved.

Feeling how flushed her face was, Umi decided to order a glass of water instead of another alcoholic drink. She still had to make it back to her apartment in one piece, after all. She gave the waiter a nod of appreciation as he set the glass in front of her and with another sigh, took a long drink in an attempt to sober up.

"Ahh everyone!" Honoka's unexpected exclamation startled Umi, causing her choke on her water. Everyone now had their attention on the pair, confused expressions on their faces.

"W-what is it, Honoka?" Umi questioned, slightly breathless from her coughing fit. She felt Eli pat her back comfortingly as she lifted her head to look at the excited ginger who was looking at her phone.

The woman was fidgeting in her seat, seemingly trying to calm herself despite how excited she clearly was. "Hehe I didn't want to tell you guys until stuff was actually happening... but Tsubasa-chan and I are going out now!" she happily declared.

Umi's head immediately snapped to Kotori who was now looking wide-eyed at the table in front of her. _'Kotori...'_

"We've been in contact ever since high school and we hangout whenever she isn't busy with A-RISE. After spending all of that time getting to know each other it was impossible not to fall for her" she scratched the back of her neck with an embarrassed laugh.

She didn't even hear the last part of what Honoka had said, gazing worriedly at the woman in front of her. Everyone but Kotori and Umi offered her their congratulations but spared some concerned glances at the two. The trio of childhood best friends may have been oblivious to each other's feelings, but the rest of the group certainly wasn't. Umi just continued to watch as Kotori sunk further into her seat.

"I hope you guys don't mind but she just texted me saying that she's back into town so I'm going to go meet her! Sorry Umi-chan, I'm in a hurry so can you pay for my drinks? I'll pay you back! Bye everyone!" she shouted as she ran out of the bar. Umi didn't even acknowledge Honoka's departure.

After a few tense moments of silence between the remaining women, Umi hesitantly called out to her beloved "...K-Kotori?"

The amber orbed woman seemed to have been snapped out of her trance at the sound of her name. She looked up with a strained smile, tear-filled eyes meeting Umi's. Seeing the one she loved looked so dejected made her heart constrict painfully. "Ah... I-I just need to use restroom. Excuse me..." Kotori muttered quietly as she got up from the table. Umi was quick to follow her, nearly knocking her seat over in her haste.

Maki and Eli sighed as the rest of the women watched them go. "Umi has been miserable all night," Eli commented. "She never drinks that much."

"Who can blame her?" Maki responded with a bland expression as she reached over to straighten Umi's seat. "She's been watching Kotori fawn over Honoka the entire time."

"I-I just hope Kotori-chan will be fine..." Hanayo added in.

"Yeah..." the rest of the group added in.

Umi caught up to Kotori, softly placing her right hand on Kotori's left shoulder as they stood in the narrow hallway where the restrooms were located. Small sniffles could be heard from Kotori but she continued to face her back to her blue-haired friend.

"Kotori... a-are you okay?" But Umi already knew the answer to that. _'Of course she isn't okay... stupid Umi'_ she thought glumly.

The woman in front of her turned around slowly, tear stained cheeks coming into view. "Haha... sorry you have to see me like this Umi-chan. I know that Honoka-chan has only seen me as a friend... but I still-" Kotori paused for a moment. "It's pathetic, right?"

Umi's heart sank at Kotori's words. She firmly gripped the other's shoulders, making sure Kotori's met Umi's determined eyes. "No! I-it's not pathetic... you could never be pathetic, Kotori. You're absolutely amazing!" the bluenette all but shouted.

Kotori simply blinked in surprise from the outburst of her normally composed friend. Umi immediately ducked her head to stare at the ground between them, still holding Kotori's shoulders.

 _'Great! Just great. She was crying and now I've just yelled at her! I'm such an idiot. I'm-'_

But her thoughts were cutoff by a soft giggle. Umi slowly picked her head up with a questioning look. Kotori was wearing a gentle smile and was gazing warmly at Umi.

"Thank you... Umi-chan. I already feel a lot better." Despite saying that, Kotori let out a small sigh and turned her eyes away from the other woman. "I never could gather the courage to confess to Honoka-chan so I suppose I only have myself to blame."

 _'I suppose we're the same in that aspect'_

"What was that, Umi-chan?" Kotori asked, tilting her head to the side.

The bluenette blushed furiously _'Did I just say that out loud?'_

Kotori was wearing an amused and slightly mischievous expression now. "Oh my, does Umi-chan have a crush on someone?"

Umi's face turned a few shades darker and her heart was beating so loudly that it was drowning out everything but the woman in front of her. _'Should I finally confess?'_

"A-ah... I u-um..."

Kotori giggled again. "Ah if only I could fall in love with someone like Umi-chan."

Umi's heart sank. _'...if only, huh?'_

Kotori's expression turned somber again, a forced smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "Then maybe I wouldn't get my heart broken like this. But... I've never been able get over Honoka-chan" she sighed.

The blush from Umi's face had faded, Kotori's words effectively sobering her up. _'Yes... if only.'_ She straightened herself and let her hands fall from the ashen-haired woman's shoulders.

"I understand how you feel," she said almost too quietly to hear before sending her friend a gut-wrenchingly sad smile "but anyone would be lucky to have you, Kotori. Please never think otherwise, okay? While Honoka certainly can't help how she feels... she's still missing out," she finished.

Kotori could do nothing but look at the woman in front of her _'Why does she look like she's in pain?'_ she asked herself.

"Umi-"

But she was cut off as Umi quickly spun around so that they were no longer facing each other. "If you're feeling better, shall we head back?"

"Y-yeah..." Kotori answered. She started to follow her blue-haired friend back to the table. _'What was that expression...?'_

But before she could ponder further, the rest of their friends came into view. Nico saw them and shot the pair an impatient look. She was obviously intoxicated.

"Geez what took you guys so long?" she drawled. "I finished your drink and Honoka's drink" Nico said, aiming the last part at Kotori.

Maki just pinched the bridge of her nose, dreading having to take care of a drunken Nico.

"Sorry," Umi answered "I drank a bit too much so Kotori was assisting me." Umi calmly retook her seat, not looking up to meet Kotori's curious eyes.

The rest of the night continued fairly normally- Umi even participated in conversations more and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. But Kotori couldn't help but notice that the smile never seemed to reach Umi's eyes.

"Well," Maki said as she was getting up from her seat "it's getting pretty late so the two of us are going to head home now." She placed a hand on Nico's shoulder, urging the intoxicated woman to get up.

"Ahaha such a kid. Nicocchi still can't hold her liquor" Nozomi chuckled.

"Nico-chan is so drunk nya!" Rin exclaimed.

Eli clapped once to draw everyone's attention. "Perhaps it's time to call it a night?" She asked, ever the voice of reason.

"I think that's a good idea, Eli-chan" Kotori added in "It is getting pretty late."

After making sure the bill was taken care of everyone was saying their goodbyes and promising to see each other soon. Maki and Nico were the first to make their exit as Maki half carried the smaller woman outside.

Umi chuckled lightly as she watched the pair go. The rest of the group was chatting idly so she made her way to the door. She stepped outside and was greeted by the refreshing evening air. _'It's as nice a night to walk as any'_ Umi thought as she began heading in the direction of her apartment.

But a few short steps later she was stopped by a gentle hand on her arm. She turned toward it and was greeted by the lovely amber eyes she adored so much. _'Kotori.'_

"Shall we head home together, Umi-chan? I'll call a taxi for us!" offered happily, smiling at the other woman.

Umi did her best to return the smile "S-sure..."

Kotori finished calling the taxi service and the two waited shoulder-to-shoulder in silence. Umi seemed to be lost in her thoughts and Kotori was sending her uneasy glances.

"I meant what I said to you earlier" Umi said suddenly, still facing forward.

"...e-earlier?" Kotori asked, caught off guard by Umi's statement.

The bluenette turned towards her with a serious expression. But despite how serious she looked, her voice was tender and full of affection for the other woman. "It's everyone else who is missing out. The next person who you end up falling for will be the luckiest person in the world, Kotori." She wanted to respond but Umi quickly faced forward again. She was clearly lost in her thoughts again so Kotori was hesitant to initiate conversation.

After a silent ride they finally reached Kotori's apartment. Umi asked the driver to wait for her as she climbed out of the car. She offered a hand to Kotori and helped the woman out and onto the curb. Kotori mumbled a "thank you" and Umi just gave her a polite nod. The walk to Kotori's front door was quiet yet again and Kotori was panicking. _'What's going on in Umi-chan's head?'_ she kept asking herself.

But Umi looked as calm and composed as ever. She simply gave Kotori a questioning look when the other woman seemed to be hesitant about going inside. "Kotori, the taxi is still waiting..." she stated.

"A-ah! Right... um... I'll call you tomorrow, okay? Thanks for walking me to my door." Kotori was concerned for her friend but they would talk about this another time. She didn't even know what she wanted to ask the bluenette in the first place and the taxi was still waiting.

Umi smiled at her friend "Yeah that sounds good. Good night, Kotori." She turned and walked gracefully back to the waiting car. She gave a final wave as she entered the taxi, signaling Kotori to go inside. After Kotori reluctantly did so, Umi let loose and long, deep sigh and leaned her head against the window.

 _'I'm strict but Honoka is laidback. I'm disciplined but Honoka is spontaneous. If only I was more like Honoka. Perhaps then Kotori would look my way... But I can't be anyone other than myself. All I can be is the straight-edged best friend... the one who will comfort Kotori when she needs it.'_


	2. Chapter 2

***A bunch of ideas to continue the story have been swirling around my head. I appreciate the reviews and I'll continue until I can come up with a story that'll put my mind at ease. Since my head is such a dramatic KotoUmi mess I hope the story is enjoyable anyway.**

Umi woke up the next morning to the blaring sound of her phone alarm, causing sharp pains in her head. Her hand fumbled along the top of her bedside table. _'I'm just glad I thought to set my alarm before going out drinking last night'_ she sighed as she turned the alarm off. She was typically a morning person but the slight hangover made her wish she could stay in her warm bed.

"Ugh. I should have known better than to have had so much to drink the night before practice" she muttered into her pillow. She slowly lifted her face, blue strands of hair messily strewn about her white pillow and sticking to her face.

She finally sat up and checked the time. _'6 am, huh? 2 more hours until practice... and the captain certainly can't be showing up like a hung over mess.'_

 _'I felt so sobered up after talking to Kotori'_ she frowned. _' I guess I should have had more water before going to sleep.'_

"Kotori..." she said slowly. The bluenette wished she could call her friend and make sure she was okay but figured the other women was still asleep. _'I would feel guilty about waking her up after last night...'_

With a deep sigh she threw her legs over the edge of the bed and started getting ready for the day. Just because it was the Saturday didn't mean that there wasn't archery practice. The regional competition was just around the corner, so it couldn't be helped. But Umi wasn't too concerned about it. She was one of the best archers in Japan, after all.

After cleaning herself up, having a simple breakfast, and taking something for the slight hangover, Umi headed out the door of her simple apartment. It was a quick walk to her university and the morning air was brisk yet refreshing.

She tried not to think about Kotori too much. She had a responsibility to her team and Sonoda Umi was nothing if not responsible.

 _'That's right... the strict and responsible Sonoda Umi. Always calm and composed, never selfish...'_

She walked in to the dojo and wasted no time getting changed into her uniform. As usual she was the first person to arrive so she began preparing for practice and awaited the arrivals of her teammates.

Umi was just as popular- if not more popular- with females than when she was in high school. Being confessed to and asked out so often had somewhat desensitized her. She was no longer the girl who turned into a blushing mess at small displays of affection. She could even sit through a romance movie, even if it wasn't the genre she preferred. Something about the chivalrous and calm demeanor of the blue-haired woman seemed to draw other females to her.

 _'Well, females besides Kotori...'_ she huffed.

At that thought she shook her head. _'No no no. Geez, I can't be sulking like a child.'_

"Good morning, Sonoda-senpai!" a feminine voice called out.

Umi turned toward the source and saw one of her kouhai from the archery team, Fujiwara Mei. She was a first year with a lot of potential. "Ah good morning, Fujiwara-san. You're quite early today" she greeted.

The black-haired woman beamed at her. "Yes! I was quite excited to see senpai so I came early..." her kouhai blushed.

Umi gave her a polite smile and returned her focus to her bow. The others had yet to arrive but Umi really didn't feel like talking to anyone at the moment. _'Well, anyone besides Kotori..."_ she sulked again.

She quickly nocked an arrow and shoved the thought of the ashen-haired woman to the back of her mind. _'Just focus on archery for now. Clear your mind.'_ She repeated in her head and aimed at the target.

"Um Sonoda-senpai..?" Fujiwara called out.

Umi sighed quietly and lowered her bow. She did her best to hide her mild irritation and turned her attention to Fujiwara. "How can I help you, Fujiwara-san?" she asked.

Umi curiously eyed the girl who was still dressed in her casual clothes. She was fidgeting and a bright pink blush covered her cheeks. "W-well you see, Sonoda-senpai..."

 _'Oh no,'_ Umi thought to herself. She had received far too many confessions in her short life to not be able to see the signs. _'This is the last I want to be dealing with right now'_ she complained in her head. But her expression didn't betray any of her thoughts. She simply remained quiet and waited for her kouhai to finish. _'I'll just tell her that I'm very flattered but don't feel the same way. Just like I normally do.'_

"For a long time now... Sonoda-senpai I-"

"Morning, senpai!" She was cut off by the arrival of two more members who cheerfully greeted their captain.

"Yes, good morning, you two" Umi greeted in return.

 _'Haah... well, at least I can save this until after practice. That might make things easier for the both of us'_ she mused. She turned back to Fujiwara who looked disappointed.

"Senpai, can we talk after?" she asked.

"Yes, of course." Umi responded and began focusing on the target again.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

They had practiced for a total of 3 hours before Umi was thoroughly satisfied by her team's performances that day. She dismissed the team after giving a small speech about the importance of eating healthy and resting in between practices.

Those who weren't on cleaning duty for the dojo that day were all shuffling out. As per her routine, Umi stayed behind while the others were busy tidying up. _'Perhaps I'll practice a bit longer. It does always clear my mind.'_

But she was broken out of her thoughts by a tap on her shoulder. She turned and saw Fujiwara restlessly shifting on her feet, looking up at her expectantly.

 _'Damn... I completely forgot'_ she chided herself.

Fujiwara seemed to be struggling with her words but finally managed to string together a sentence. "I-if it isn't t-too much trouble... I w-was hoping senpai could accompany me o-outside?" she asked nervously.

"I-I mean if it isn't any trouble!" she squeaked, her cheeks were a dark pink as she looked up at Umi.

At that, Umi couldn't help but give her a gentle smile. _'This girl really is too sweet for someone like me...'_

"I don't mind accompanying you. Shall we?" Umi asked, motioning to the door.

 _'The sooner I gently let her down the better,'_ she thought.

The two walked to a secluded hallway with Fujiwara nervously walking a couple steps ahead of Umi. Fujiwara had stopped abruptly and luckily, Umi was quick enough to avoid running into the poor girl. Fujiwara spun around with a determined expression despite her pink cheeks.

Umi calmly waited for the girl in front of her to begin speaking. She didn't want to rush her or make her even more nervous. She wanted to make this as easy as possible for the both of them.

"S-Sonoda-senpai!"

Umi raised a brow, surprised by the amount of force in the girl's voice.

Fujiwara took a deep breath before making eye contact with Umi and continued. "Sonoda-senpai, ever since I joined the team at the beginning of the year I have always admired you. You're so graceful and such a kind senpai. T-that's why I w-would like to ask y-you to be my g-girl..." she averted her eyes, still struggling.

Umi could have interrupted then and finished things quickly. But she wanted to wait until the end. _'Fujiwara-san has mustered up the courage to confess to me. The very least I can do is let her finish.'_ Umi smiled slightly _'She's much braver than I am.'_

Fujiwara look back nervously at Umi, afraid that her senpai might be irritated with her. But Umi just gave the girl a reassuring smile and nodded, signaling her to continue.

With the encouragement, she took another breath and stood up straighter. "Sonoda-senpai, I like you very much and I would be honored if you would be my girlfriend."

Umi was impressed by her kouhai. The girl, who was a stuttering mess a few moments, ago just confessed her feelings so sincerely.

But now it was Umi's turn to say something. She found rejecting the girl in front of her more difficult than she had thought. Something about the girl's sincerity left Umi speechless. Unsure of what to say, Umi settled for the truth.

"Thank you, Fujiwara-san. I am extremely flattered but... you see," she gave a small smile "I'm already in love with someone else." Fujiwara's face dropped. But Umi put a hand on the girl's shoulder, urging her to look up. "But I'm serious when I say thank you. That was the most moving confession I've ever received."

Fujiwara looked surprised at this. She knew her senpai was often confessed to, but to think hers was the most moving?

"Unlike you, I've never been able to tell the person I love how I feel. I have to say, I admire you quite a bit Fuji- no, Mei-san." Umi smiled again.

After saying goodbye to Mei, Umi grabbed her phone and saw a new text message.

 _'Ah a text from Maki.'_

 _xxxxxxxxxx_

 **Sender: Nishikino Maki**

 **Subject: Hey**

You're done with practice by now, right? If you're free then let's grab lunch at the usual place.  
xxxxxxxxxx

Umi typed out a quick reply saying she'd be there in 30 minutes before heading to the showers.

Throughout the years, Umi had kept in great contact with Maki and Eli. She and Maki had bonded over creating Muse' songs and due to how close her medical university is to her university, they saw each other pretty often. It had developed into a strong friendship and they frequently met at a cafe between their two universities for lunch.

While she was still great friends with Eli, Umi knew that the blonde-haired woman was busy with her new job. Eli, Nozomi, and Nico had just graduated from college so she could understand how tough it was for them.

Maki was already sitting at their usual table by the time Umi walked through the entrance around 12:30 pm. The redhead gave a small wave as Umi approached.

"Hey Umi" she greeted.

"Hi Maki," Umi replied while sliding into her seat "were you on campus today?"

"Nope. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about last night." Umi raised a brow at her. Maki was certainly wasting no time getting to the point.

"Okay," Umi said easily. "And what would that be?" she inquired.

The red-haired woman sighed. "Well, it's about you and Kotori."

The bluenette was surprised by the clear concern in her friend's amethyst eyes.

"Eli and I saw the way you were acting last night" she paused and nodded her thanks to the waitress who placed glasses of water in front of them. Able to sense the tense atmosphere surrounding the women, she promptly took her leave. "And if you don't intend to tell Kotori how you feel," she continued "we think that maybe... it's time that you tried to move on" she said sympathetically.

The bluenette interlocked her fingers and rested her hands on the table in front of her. Each move was slow and deliberate as she absorbed Maki's words.

"I-I... don't know what to say, Maki," she responded slowly. "Saying is infinitely easier than doing." She held Maki's gaze, a defeated look on the bluenette's face. "For me, it has only ever been Kotori... but at the same time I just can't bring myself to tell her. You know how she is." Her eyes fell to the table.

Knowing that her friend had more to say, Maki studied the blue-haired woman and waited patiently.

Umi began carefully tracing a finger along the wooden table in front of her. Slowly, elegantly, her finger created invisible lines on the smooth surface. "Kotori is such a considerate person..." She spoke tenderly as her finger continued to move. "You see... if I act selfishly and tell her my true feelings... it will only cause her trouble." Umi's finger made one final movement against the table, creating the characters that spelled her beloved's name.

Maki considered her words carefully. "I can't pretend that I understand what you are going through... All I know is that if it was me, and I was in your position with Nico-chan... Then I would be lost too." Maki reached over and gingerly took Umi's hand in both of hers. "But you can't sit idly by. You can't do nothing and live the rest of your life just waiting for someone who might not feel the same."

The two women fell silent. Maki simply watched as Umi stared at their hands with a troubled expression.

She sighed and used her free hand to run through her blue bangs. She squeezed one of Maki's hands appreciatively before taking it back.

Maki smiled at her friend and took a moment to think. "Honestly Umi, I think you should tell her."

Her amethyst eyes softened before she continued. "But if you really don't want to do that... then I think you should start dating."

"Dating..." Umi rolled the word around in her mouth as if it somehow left a bad taste.

"Yes," Maki interrupted "and I know that you aren't the type of person to do something like date someone half-heartedly, but meeting someone else might help you get your mind off of Kotori."

Umi sighed for what must have been the thousandth time that day. She opened her mouth to reply but couldn't seem to find any words. The thoughts in her head were too jumbled.

"Just... just think about it, Umi. While Eli and I would like to think that Kotori will fall for you too, it might be better to try and put yourself out there."

"...I'll think about it." Umi smiled weakly at her friend "But thank you for being concerned about me." She squeezed Maki's hand again. "Now why don't we eat?" Umi suggested and picked up her menu.

Maki took a moment to study her friend before relenting. "Okay."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Umi collapsed face-first onto her bed with a satisfying flump.

 _'What a tiring day'_ she mused. Umi rolled over onto her back and checked the time on her phone _'3:00 pm. Still way too early to go to bed.'_ She let the phone fall onto the bed and settled for staring at the ceiling.

Her thoughts drifted back to her conversation with Maki. She knew the redhead would never do anything to lead her astray. She trusted Maki fully. But dating someone else to take her mind off of Kotori still didn't seem like the right answer.

 _'That's assuming there's someone in this world that's even half as amazing as Kotori... which I sincerely doubt.'_

 _'So does that mean I should tell her?'_ She closed her eyes and Fujiwara Mei's determined face flashed in her mind.

 _'Maki was right when she said I can't sit idly by... but someone as cold as me isn't suited for someone as gentle and sweet as Kotori. She deserves someone vibrant, warm, and passionate like her.'_

She clenched her hands tightly. _'Someone like Honoka...'_

 _'Knowing Kotori, if I selfishly push my feelings onto her, she'll feel incredibly guilty. She'll probably feel like she's obligated to accept my feelings.'_ She focused on taking slow, deep breaths and relaxed her hands.

 _'All I really want is for her to be happy.'_

 _ **Your heart is too far from me I want to cry**_

 _ **But still, I decided I would wait**_

 _ **My first love**_

Umi shot up at the sound of the ringtone she had set for Kotori. It was their duet, Anemone Heart. _'What appropriate lyrics'_ she grimaced slightly and grabbed her phone.

She looked at the image displayed on the screen. It was a selfie that Kotori insisted they take together a few months prior. The ashen-haired girl's smile was as beautiful as ever. Umi even liked her own warm and contented smile in the picture as their heads rested against each other's. She liked it because she knew that smile was because of Kotori.

Umi swiped a finger across the screen to answer it and brought the phone up to her ear. "H-hello?"

"Hi Umi-chan," Kotori's melodious voice rang out of the speaker. "I'm calling just like I said I would!" she laughed. "You aren't busy, are you?"

"Ah no, I'm not busy. I just got back from lunch with Maki."

"That's right, Maki-chan's university is near yours, isn't?"

"Yes, that's right. We grab lunch when we can," Umi continued. She smiled gently and relaxed against the bed again.

 _'When was the last time we just talked on the phone? It doesn't compare to talking to her in person... but still.'_

The two talked on the phone for hours. They talked about archery, the classes Umi was taking as a major in Japanese Literature, the designs Kotori has been working on, how funny Nico is when she's drunk, whatever came to mind. The two were constantly laughing at anything and everything. It was such a foreign sensation to her now. The blue-haired woman felt like she hadn't truly laughed in years.

She had missed talking to Kotori likes this. The sound of her voice soothed Umi's soul, relaxing her like nothing else could.

But the flow of the conversation was broken by the amber-eyed woman.

"Hey Umi-chan..." Kotori interrupted quietly.

Umi's breath hitched, her stomach knotted in response to Kotori's suddenly wistful tone.

"What do you think about Honoka-chan dating Tsubasa-san?" she ask


	3. Chapter 3

***Updates will be sporadic at best since I'm pretty busy with school. They'll most likely be shorter than the first 2 chapters, too. I'm not sure what I'm hoping for with this story but I hope you enjoy it and thank you for reading it.**

"What do you think about Honoka-chan dating Tsubasa-san?"

Umi paused thoughtfully, carefully considering her words. She didn't want to upset Kotori with her answer but she didn't want to lie either.

"...I'm happy for Honoka" the bluenette finally replied.

"..."

Kotori remained quiet so Umi simply continued.

"I think finding mutual love is a wonderful thing. If Tsubasa-san makes Honoka happy and treats her well, then I am happy for her."

Silence.

 _'...was that the wrong thing to say?'_

Umi was more than a little surprised when she heard a small giggle from the other end.

"That's a very mature thing to say. Ahhh~ where did my shy and easily embarrassed Umi-chan go?" she teased.

Umi's cheeks felt hot and she knew they had a pink tint but she spoke as calmly as she could manage. "W-well, we all have to grow up at some point..." she replied, slightly miffed that her face was heating up so much at a small tease.

At least Kotori was taking this far better than Umi had imagined.

"Yes, we certainly do" Kotori laughed in response. Umi closed her eyes and did her best to etch the soft, lilting sound into her mind. She was happy that Kotori could still laugh normally despite recently getting her heart broken.

Umi had always found Kotori to be a little mysterious. The ashen-haired woman usually had a gentle smile and kind expression on her face, but Umi suspected that Kotori was the type to know more than she let on. That she was much more observant than most gave her credit for.

The bluenette was drawn to that hidden side of her friend. Umi wanted to be the only one that Kotori told about the things she never thought she'd say out loud. She wanted to be Kotori's sole confidant; to know the woman better than Kotori even knew herself. Even if it was just once, she wanted Kotori to look at her with the same glowing expression that she had always looked at Honoka with.

But Umi was aware of how selfish her desires were, telling herself to be content with being by Kotori's side at all. Instead, she let the memory of Kotori's laugh swirl warmly throughout her body, reveling in the sweet sound for as long possible.

"Umi-chan."

The archer sat up slowly from her position on the bed and hummed in response, urging Kotori to continue. She was worried that she had been quiet for too long while lost in her thoughts and had missed something the ashen-haired woman had said.

But even over the phone, Umi could feel Kotori's hesitation. "Have you..." she trailed off. Umi could imagine Kotori fidgeting nervously, trying to convey her thoughts. "...have you had your heart broken?"

Umi's breath hitched and she sat in stunned silence.

 _'Why would she want to know that..?'_

Kotori seemed to be waiting for her response. The silence was thick; it hung heavily in the air, making Umi tense.

She exhaled in an attempt to relax herself. Again, Umi didn't want to lie to the woman she loved.

"...yes, I have." She replied cautiously, not wanting to give Kotori any of the details while still telling the truth.

Kotori's only response was a slow and thoughtful hum.

The palms of Umi's hands were sweaty and her tongue felt dry.

 _'How can I change the subject nonchalantly..? Talk about the weather? The economy? Be cool, Sonoda.'_

"S-so" she began, but was cut off by Kotori's soft voice.

"You know, I've been thinking a lot since last night. About this and that..." Kotori stated contemplatively, almost as if she were talking to herself.

Any further words died in Umi's throat, her mouth hanging open uselessly. The bluenette was at least grateful that the other woman couldn't see her dumbfounded expression.

Kotori continued without waiting for a reply.

"I was wondering what you were thinking at the end of the night. Your sad smiles, forlorn eyes, and wandering attention made me curious."

Umi's nervousness from earlier couldn't compare to the knotting in her stomach and rapid heartbeat filling her ears now. She vaguely wondered how it was possible for one person to sweat this much. Umi usually loved the mysterious side of Kotori, but now she wanted nothing more to go back to the light-hearted conversations they were having.

"You looked just like how I felt after Honoka-chan told us about Tsubasa-san."

Umi's heart plummeted into her stomach. Kotori was much, much more observant than she let on.

Kotori paused, drawing it out as if she was unsure of how to continue.

"You looked heartbroken..." Kotori's voice was barely above a whisper when she finally spoke again.

It was as if Umi's lips had forgotten how to even form words.

All she could do was tightly clutch her phone and wait for Kotori to continue.

"I'm sorry." Kotori stated sincerely, her voice full of emotion.

The bluenette's heart skipped a beat before beginning to throb painfully in her chest. She didn't know what her friend was apologizing for but it made her feel awful.

"Kotori... Why are you saying that you're sorry?" She finally croaked, her throat feeling raw.

 _'Does this mean she knows now..?'_

"..." A sad sigh reached Umi's ear, doing nothing but make her more anxious. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying her best to stay calm. "I was so caught up in my own feelings for Honoka-chan that I never noticed that you were dealing with things too... I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you."

Umi was relieved, so relieved, and yet a little disappointed.

"...there really is nothing for you to be sorry about." Umi stated, finally reopening her eyes. "I didn't want to worry you. Things didn't work out anyway, so there isn't anything to be concerned about... Such is life."

Kotori sighed.

"Umi-chan, you sound like an old man when you talk like that" Kotori teased lightly, unable to shake off the melancholy tone.

Umi only gave a weak chuckle in response.

The conversation lulled, but instead of the silence being tense, it held an unbearable sadness. Umi didn't know which was worse.

"We're best friends... I should have paid more attention. For that, I'm sorry, Umi-chan."

"Really, Kotori, there isn't anything for you to apologize for" Umi implored. The thought of Kotori feeling guilty because of her made the blue-haired woman nauseous. "You didn't do anything wrong. I never told you about it in the first place... If anything it's my fault."

Kotori let out another deep sigh. Every second that Kotori remained quiet felt like an eternity.

 _'Please say something...'_

"Are you busy tonight?" Kotori suddenly asked. Umi was confused, but thankful for the silence being broken.

Umi let out an inaudible sigh and slumped onto the bed. "No, I was just planning to relax since I don't have practice tomorrow. What's up?" She responded, trying to sound as normal as possible.

"...would you like to come over?" The ashen-haired woman asked. "I was thinking... we can have a sort of broken-hearted party together, just the two of us" she chuckled quietly, sadly. Umi preferred Kotori's cheerful and teasing laughs.

"Besides, you and I didn't get the chance to catch up last night. Because of... you know..."

 _'Because of Honoka.'_

Umi immediately felt guilty about her resentful thoughts.

Kotori's words were coming out in a nervous rush now because of Umi's lack of responses. "You can even sleep over since you don't have practice tomorrow. I don't have any pressing matters tomorrow either. It'll be just like old times."

 _'Just like old times... But I don't want things to be like old times.'_

"...sure," Umi just smiled bitterly to herself. "See you in an hour?"

She would be lying if she said that she didn't want to spend time with Kotori- especially if it would be just the two of them. But she couldn't shake off the uneasy feeling from their earlier conversation.

"Okay! Shall I make dinner?" Kotori asked, sounding a little more like her usual, cheerful self.

Umi smiled gently at that despite her wariness of the situation.

 _'As long as Kotori is feeling better.'_

"That would be great. I'll see you soon, Kotori."


	4. Chapter 4

I have been terribly busy with course work/research so I appreciate your patience with me. There will likely be only one or two more chapters after this but thank you for reading thus far. I will try to update as soon as I get the chance to sit down and get into the writing mood. There was an error the first time that I uploaded the chapter so please let me know if it persists.

 **Permission to use the fantastic image as the cover was given by nextstopplease. Check out more of their amazing work on tumblr!**

P.S. I'm somewhat interested in collabing with someone. I get pretty busy with coursework/ my research but I feel like getting more into writing as a creative outlet. If you are interested in working with such an inexperienced writer then please feel free to contact me haha.

* * *

Umi slowly descended the stone steps of her apartment complex, quietly taking in her surroundings. The streets of her neighborhood were lively- as one would expect on a Saturday night in a college area. The sound of soft, intimate laughter flitted around Umi's ears as couples walked hand-in-hand.

A terrible loneliness assailed Umi as she watched couples pass.

She secured her over-the-shoulder bag and spun on her heel of her boot, turning toward the train station.

She found herself staring nervously at the dark green door of Kotori's apartment. She took another glance at her outfit, fidgeting with it. On her lower half was a dull aegean blue skirt with a black belt tied around it, a pair of thin, black tights, and brown, knee high boots. The top of her outfit consisted of a silky, white blouse that flowed down her arms, an unbuttoned, light grayish blue sweater over the blouse, and a small pink scarf around her neck. On her left wrist was a brown leather watch and gold colored, flower shaped earrings dangled from her ears. She even tied back a portion of her hair into a ribbon that was the same color as her skirt.

On her left shoulder rested the strap of her bag and in her right hand was a box containing Kotori's favorite strawberry cheesecake.

'I wonder if I dressed up too much...'

She clutched the strap of her bag and went back to staring timidly at the intimidating green door.

Umi slowly reached her curled left fist out toward the door. Abruptly, the door opened up; giving Umi a start and revealing the mirthful amber eyes she adored so much.

Kotori let out an amused giggle, the playful glint never leaving her eyes as she looked at her blue-haired friend.

"I was wondering when you'd knock~" Kotori greeted in a sing song voice.

Umi couldn't help but blush in response. Even after so many years of being friends with Kotori, she was still susceptible to her teasing.

"Geez..." Umi sighed but had a good-natured smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "If you already knew I was there then you should have just opened the door... "

Kotori giggled again and sent a sweet smile toward her friend, dispelling all of the blue-haired woman's worries and nerves.

"Ah, I almost forgot." She raised the hand holding the box the contained the dessert. "I brought your favorite."

"Umi-chan is as thoughtful as ever. I can't wait to eat it!"

Immediately, the ashen-haired woman stepped back and opened the door, sweeping an arm out in a dramatic welcome gesture.

"Welcome, miss. Dinner is served!" Kotori said in a deeper voice than normal. Perhaps imitating a butler.

pUmi chuckled in response and stepped into the stylish apartment. She was instantly greeted by rich and savory scents, instantly making her mouth water.

"I tried out a new recipe that I found online. Curry udon!" Kotori exclaimed as she moved away from the now closed door to take Umi's bag. No one could say Kotori wasn't an attentive host.

"It smells great. I can't wait to eat!" Umi called out as she watched Kotori disappear into her bedroom to deposit the bag.

She took a moment to glance around at the apartment as she awaited the return of her friend. Her eyes floated around the familiar room, taking comfort in how similar it looked despite how long it had been since she had been there.

Until her eyes landed on unfamiliar cushions decorating the couch and a small painting she had never seen before hanging above it. For reasons she could not pinpoint, the sight of these new items in Kotori's apartment filled her with a sense of melancholy.

""Ahh~ I get to have dinner with a cute girl in a cute outfit~" Kotori teased, using the same sing song voice as she reappeared.

Umi was broken out of her musings and could feel her cheeks heat up. She had completely forgotten about her outfit as soon as Kotori had opened the door.

Umi was the only one that Kotori would tease in such a way, but Umi was by no means used to it. No matter how much she matured, the blue-haired woman was sure she would be susceptible to Kotori's teasing.

"L-let's eat dinner..."

xxxxxx

'Kotori is such a great chef,' Umi thought happily to herself as the two ate and made light conversation.

Umi was focusing on picking up the noodles and delicately placing before chewing each bite with a satisfied expression.

She didn't notice the slight grin that tugged at her friend's lips as she watched the blue-haired woman enjoy the meal.

After popping the last of the noodles into her mouth, she looked up to find indecipherable amber eyes gazing intently at her.

Her own eyes widened slightly and the hand holding her chopsticks stilled as she met Kotori's searching look.

But before Umi could open her mouth to say something- to say anything- Kotori's eyes flashed back to their typical, gentle look as she smiled at the bluenette, leaving Umi at a loss.

"How was it?" Kotori asked as she continued to smile.

"...it was great, Kotori." Umi replied, struggling to return the smile. "Your cooking is always fantastic," she finished.

"Umi-chan is such a flatterer~" Kotori laughed.

Still shaken, Umi simply stood from her seat at the table and moved to take away their dishes.

"Why don't we eat the cheesecake now?" Umi suggested.

""Yay~" was the cheerful response.

xxxxxxxx

After they had finished cleaning up the remnants of dinner, Kotori offered to get the bath ready for Umi first.

'I put so much effort into getting dressed only to take a bath and change into my pajamas not too long after...'

She sighed to herself as she discarded her clothes and quickly finished her bath.

When she returned to the living room she let Kotori know the bath was free. She was left standing alone in the center of the room as her friend went to bathe.

She couldn't bring herself to sit on the couch as her eyes lingered on the foreign objects in Kotori's apartment.

'When did Kotori get these? Usually she gets so excited about buying new things that she texts me right away...'

Not wanting to sit alone by these things that filled her with such unease, she made her way to the balcony that overlooked the city. Kotori's apartment had a much better view than her own. And she could at least take comfort in that at least this hadn't changed.

xxxxxx

Kotori re-entered the living room, noticing that Umi wasn't around. Fluttering blue hair caught her attention and she made her way to the glass sliding door. Umi had a towel resting on her head as she looked out at the city. But as she got closer, she noticed that the woman's blue hair was still damp.

She opened it quickly and popped her head out.

"Umi-chan, you're going to catch a cold like that!" She scolded. "You didn't even dry your hair."

"Hmm? Ah, right..." Umi replied noncommittally. She turned away from the balcony and moved towards the door.

Kotori however, didn't move out of the way to let her in. Instead, she was looking at Umi with that searching gaze again.

"...I thought you wanted me to come in?" Umi replied questioningly.

Kotori evaluated her friend for a moment longer before silently stepping aside.

Umi walked back into the apartment without glancing toward Kotori. She wanted to ask the ashen-haired woman what those looks were all about but was suddenly feeling exhausted.

'I just want to enjoy my time with Kotori... No point in bringing things like that up.'

She started to use the towel that had been resting atop her head to finish drying her hair.

"Should we watch a movie before bed?" Umi asked as she glanced over, breaking the silence between the two.

Kotori's expression was still cryptic but Umi simply raised a brow as the two maintained eye contact. Something flashed in Kotori's eyes before she did a quick spin on her heel.

"How about a romance movie?" She inquired, walking over to the couch and picking up the remote that was resting on the coffee table in front of it. The TV flashed to life as the ashen-haired woman sunk into the couch. "What better way to have a broken-hearted?"

"Works for me," Umi answered easily as she ambled over. She seated herself where Kotori's hand impatiently tapped the space directly beside her, beckoning the blue-haired woman to sit. Umi flashed a wary glance at the couch cushions again before taking a seat, making sure there was some space between the two women.

She turned her head to see Kotori smiling her way. At that, Umi couldn't help but return it; albeit pretty weakly.

Apparently satisfied with that, Kotori turned her attention back to the TV.

"There's a romance in particular I've wanted to see..." she stated, flicking through the menu of available movies."...ah! This one."

"Lily Garden?" Umi looked at the inconspicuous cover of the movie that was displayed on the TV. The only things on the cover were the title and a pretty woman.

'No movie description but it looks like a pretty typical romance movie... Well, if Kotori has wanted to watch it then I have no reason to say no.'

"Sure, why not?"

"Great!" Kotori smiled at her again.

Umi could have sworn that there was a mischievous glint in Kotori's eyes then but figured it was just the trick of the light.

xxxxxxx

'So that's why she looked like she was up to something...'

The movie had been about a love triangle. The woman on the cover was the main character, as Umi expected.

But what she did not expect was a love triangle between three women.

Umi was by no means uncomfortable with romance movies anymore and obviously, relationships between women didn't bother her either. But she hadn't exactly come out to all of her friends yet.

Kotori included.

She had known for years about both Kotori's and Honoka's romantic inclinations. She had just never thought about telling anyone else her own preferences; anyone except for Maki and Eli. Umi didn't like keeping secrets from her oldest friends but figured it was simpler this way.

Honoka had never really kept it a secret and she certainly wasn't shy about it. Anyone that knew her well enough knew she was into girls.

Kotori, however, was more reserved than their orange-haired friend. She had told Umi in high school. She told her right before confessing to the bluenette her love for Honoka.

By that time, Umi had already been in love with Kotori for years.

But judging by the way Kotori kept slyly glancing at her throughout the movie she figured that something was up. Umi did her best to keep a stoic expression as they watched the movie in silence, but to say that she was uncomfortable was an understatement.

The three women were childhood best friends. The main character was in love with the energetic and ambitious friend. The quieter, more level-headed friend was in love with the lead.

Throughout the movie, the lead chases after the energetic friend while the level-headed one offers her support and advice.

As it turns out, the energetic friend was in love with another woman. The distraught lead is consoled by the level-headed friend.

Umi was relieved when it seemed nothing else would happen between the two. The movie mirrored her situation so much that she was having trouble sitting still.

That was, she was relieved until the words Umi had been dreading poured out of the friend's mouth as she held the lead character close.

"Kumiko, I've always loved you. Please, just give me a chance."

Umi didn't dare look in Kotori's direction. Instead, she trained her eyes on the screen, doing her utmost to seem unaffected.

She was doing well- until the two women on screen kissed.

Umi could feel the heat rising from the base of her neck to the tips of her ears but still refused to look at the woman beside her.

Because she kept her attention forward, she missed the looks Kotori was sending her way.

xxxxxxxx

The remainder of the movie was a blur for Umi. Although her eyes were on the screen the entire time, her mind was elsewhere.

She kept imagining herself confessing to Kotori. A grand confession scene where Kotori is so moved by Umi's feelings that she finally realizes that the bluenette was the one she has wanted all along.

Her mind was brought back from its drifting when the credits started to roll.

"So... what did you think of the movie, Umi-chan?" Kotori was looking at her with an expression full of curiosity and something else that Umi couldn't quite place.

'Please stop looking at me like that... All I can imagine now is kissing her...'

Kotori cocked her head questioningly as Umi refused to make eye contact again. Umi was fighting desperately against the blush adorning her cheeks.

But the blue-haired woman replied, still trying to find her voice. "...I-it was good..." The squeak that left her lips did nothing to help with the embarrassment she was already feeling.

Kotori hummed thoughtfully.

"You know, I'm glad that stuff like this doesn't make you uncomfortable." Umi noticed that Kotori was smiling at her when she finally allowed her eyes to travel toward the ashen-haired woman.

'What a weird atmosphere...'

"What stuff..?" Umi questioned in return.

"Love between women," Kotori answered without hesitation. "Not everyone is accepting like you are," she stated while still smiling.

'Why does it seem like she is getting at something..?'

"I'm glad that the two of us can just hangout without me needing to worry whether or not I will gross you out."

"You could never gross me out, Kotori!" The ashen-haired woman blinked, taken aback by Umi's unexpected outburst.

"A-after all, I'm i-" Umi abruptly cut herself off. "I'm... uh..."

"You're..?" Kotori was leaning closer now, a searching look in those her amber eyes that made Umi shrink back to put more space between them.

Aware that Umi probably wouldn't continue, Kotori decided to change the subject to what she had actually wanted to know since the night at the bar.

"Umi-chan, Umi-chan~" Kotori cooed. "Tell me about the person you're in love with." She had her head propped up on her hand as her elbow rested on her knee. "It's a broken-hearted party, after all. You know all about Honoka-chan so it only seems fair." She leaned in more with a gentle smiling gracing her features.


	5. Chapter 5

**Umi**

Umi leaned away from the beautiful girl seated next to her and averted her eyes. If Kotori continued to speak in a voice that seemed to drip honey then she wasn't sure how long she would be able to hold out.

She thought about how long she has been keeping all of these secrets from her friend- her _best_ friend- and couldn't help but feel tired. It was a tiredness that seemed to permeate her bones and weigh her down. It was as if the gravity around Umi was naturally just stronger, trying to drag her down.

She shut her eyes tightly, taking in a deep breath before expelling the from her lungs.

She opened her eyes again and turned back toward Kotori.

* * *

 **Kotori**

Kotori, undeterred by Umi's lack of response waited patiently for her to speak of her own accord- the gentle smile gracing her features was unwavering as she continued to prop her head up on her palm.

But the smile transformed into a frown as she watched the genuine weariness settle around her friend's shoulders, causing them to slump.

In that moment, Umi seemed far beyond her years.

She continued to watch as Umi's eyes clenched tightly. The sight tore at her heart.

Kotori's gaze was filled with concern as amber eyes met gold. She might have passed it off as a figment of her imagination had she not seen the brief tinge of sadness within Umi's eyes.

But just as quickly as it had been there, it had been replaced by a calm, guarded look that troubled the ashen-haired woman.

This was a side of Umi she had never seen in all of their years as friends. A side that she doubted anyone had ever seen. The cool and composed Sonoda Umi was truly heartbroken.

* * *

 **Umi**

Umi searched the face of the woman beside her, still reluctant to talk but the concern in Kotori's eyes weakened her resolve. She knew that she could not keep all of it a secret from Kotori anymore. The toll it had taken on her was too much for her to bear anymore.

And yet, she could not tell Kotori the full truth either. The conflict of emotion must have showed in her expression because Kotori carefully grasped one of Umi's hands in her own, as if the blue-haired woman might just break with a single careless touch.

Umi lowered her eyes to the joined hands that rested in the space on the couch between them. The warmth emanating from the soft hands that enveloped her calloused one comforted her some. But for once, it could not completely dispel the unease and weariness in her heart.

"Umi-chan..."

She slowly brought her gaze up to the one who had beckoned her. A rueful smile had found its way to Kotori's lips and the only thing Umi could think was how utterly out of place it seemed on her.

Not knowing where to start, Umi settled for the simplest truth.

"I've had an unrequited love for some time now," she spoke quietly.

If Kotori was surprised by how forthcoming Umi was being her expression did not show it.

"Have you told this person how you feel about them?" She questioned in response.

Umi averted her gaze again.

"...no, I haven't. And I probably never will," she answered as her gaze lingered on nothing in particular.

Umi gently removed her hand and spoke again before Kotori could respond.

"They are in love with someone else, anyway," Umi continued as she settled back into the couch. "And even if they weren't, I don't think I could tell them anyway" She spoke easily- almost disinterestedly, as if the topic at hand had nothing to do with her.

"But why..? When keeping it from them seems to cause you so much pain... Would it not be better to just tell them?"

A humorless smile tugged at the corners of Umi's lips.

"For so many reasons... But I supposed the biggest one is that I am afraid." Umi pursed her lips and seemed to be lost in her thoughts for her moment.

"You know," she continued. "A kouhai of mine from the archery team confessed to me earlier today. A very quiet, shy girl who was all but trembling with anxiety..."

"But she did it. She mustered up the courage to look me in the eye and tell me exactly how she feels, even though she likely knew that I would not respond favorably. She knew that I would not accept but wanted to tell me nonetheless."

Umi paused, as if replaying the moment in her head.

"I was moved by the confession- the display of courage. And all I could think after that was: compared to her, the great Sonoda Umi is nothing but a coward." She said, finally turning her head toward Kotori again.

* * *

 **Kotori**

Kotori frowned again when Umi had removed her hand from her own.

But the most worrisome thing for her was the change in Umi's demeanor. The self-deprecating display from her friend made her stomach churn. But she continued on, determined to help Umi.

Taking one of her now free hands, Kotori brought it up to cup Umi's cheek, a sign of both affection and reassurance.

She had not missed the flicker of surprise and sadness in Umi's eyes.

"You are no coward, Umi-chan," the statement was quiet yet firm. "I'm sure you had a good reason to keep it from them in the past, but now I think it's time to properly deal with your feelings. What is still holding you back?"

The storm of emotion in golden eyes was _almost_ indecipherable to Kotori.

"...I don't want to ruin our friendship. And even if- by some miracle- she accepted me, I think someone else would make her so much happier than I ever could."

Kotori's eyes widened by a fraction.

 _'She...'_

Both the slip up by Umi and Kotori's surprise seemed to have gone unnoticed as she continued.

"And not because someone else could love her more than I do..." Tears started to gather in the corner of the blue-haired woman's eyes and her voice began to crack. "Simply because of _who I am_ \- because she deserves better than I could give her."

 _'Maybe that inkling of suspicion that I had was right...'_ Kotori thought to herself somberly, losing herself in her thoughts.

* * *

 **Umi**

She laid a hand upon the one cupping her cheek, allowing it to linger for a moment before removing it and turning away. She hadn't noticed the pensive state that Kotori had entered.

 _'This was not how I had wanted this to go. This was not how our evening together was supposed to be.'_

She clenched her eyes shut- willing the tears away before they could fall. She was ashamed by how pathetic she was being in front of Kotori.

She wasn't sure how long the silence between them had lasted. It could have been seconds- an eternity for all Umi could tell.

She was startled by gentle hands that framed her face- they were slowly turning her head. When she opened her eyes again her vision was filled with sorrowful amber.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it, Umi-chan... But..." Kotori trailed off, her expression growing more and more melancholy.

And Umi tried her hardest to brace herself. Somehow she knew exactly what was coming next.

She felt a hot, burning sensation behind her eyes, a strange helpless feeling, making her vision of Kotori blur. She only realized she was crying when she felt delicate fingers brush tears from her cheeks.

"I-... I have never thought of you that way."

* * *

 **A/N:** I tried a different style for this chapter in order to better convey the inner thoughts of both characters. It's less inner monologue than the previous chapters and more narration in addition to the switching perspectives. I'm not sure if this was the best way to go about it but please let me know what you think. And this sure got a little more angsty than I had first intended...

Anyhow, thank you for reading thus far! I have only just realized that I have neglected to answer some of the reviews and thank those who have given their input. For those asking about an M-rated chapter: I honestly don't know if I will write one. I can't say that I would never write one but I don't have any intention to as of right now. I think I'm just having fun putting these random scenarios and lines swirling around in my head into words.

Finally, as I mentioned in the previous chapter, this story will soon be coming to a close (1 or 2 more chapters, I think..?). This has been a fantastic way to try and express my more creative side and I hope that you will continue to support me through reading and reviewing my future chapters/stories.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** First, I promise that Kotori and Umi get together! I think I ended up turning my stress from the last semester into an extra angsty chapter without realizing it. I apologize for worrying anyone! The angst is more toned down and pretty much over after the first scene. I hope it'll be worth it for everyone at the end of the chapter.

* * *

 **Umi**

"I-... I have never thought of you that way." She paused hesitantly. "The way I think of Honoka-chan, I mean..."

Not even knowing what was coming could prepare Umi for the impact of Kotori's words. They had knocked the wind out of her and all she could do to steady herself was draw in a shaky breath.

She shut her eyes but the tears refused to stop pouring down her cheeks. Kotori's hands were still gently cupping her cheeks and Umi weakly grasped at her wrists. The two sat motionlessly and Umi didn't know for how long.

"I'm so sorry, Umi-chan..." Kotori whispered.

Umi finally reopened her eyes, the tears beginning to slow.

The tears streaking down Kotori's cheeks caused her heart to ache further.

"Rejected before I could even officially confess..." Her voice sounded raw even to her own ears but she managed to croak the words out with a hint of a smile- trying to lighten the mood a bit.

She gave Kotori's wrists a gentle squeeze before removing the soft hands from her face.

Kotori looked distraught and moved to say something- but was cut off as Umi held up a hand to stop her.

The blue-haired woman took deep breaths and they both wiped at the residual tears on their cheeks.

As she gathered her thoughts she didn't even question how Kotori had known about her feelings. A small part of her was actually relieved that Kotori somehow knew. But that was only part of the battle.

"Haah," Umi exhaled roughly. "Who would have thought that my kouhai's confession would influence me so?" A poignant smile tugged at the corners of her lips.

"Since it's already come to this..." her voice clearer than before, "Will you do me the favor of listening to what I have to say?"

Umi was significantly calmer now that her biggest secrets were out. Sad, but calm nonetheless.

She figured that change in their friendship was inevitable, but this was a chance to release everything she had been bottling up.

"Of course I will, Umi-chan. Always."

Umi smiled gently at the reassurance from her friend.

 _'Friend.'_

Pausing again to organize her thoughts, she ran a hand through her hair.

"Well, I'll start off by saying that I think you were right. I should let everything out, shouldn't I?"

Kotori just nodded meekly in response.

Umi huffed lightly and began before her courage ran out.

"I've been in love with you for a long time now... Since junior high, perhaps?"

"But I can't pinpoint the exact moment when I fell in love with you. There was no grand realization and it was certainly not love at first sight or anything like that... It was more of a quiet acceptance, I suppose."

"I believe it was a combination of all of the time we had spent together, the shared secrets and jokes, and things I had already felt for you. And one day I thought to myself 'Ah- I'm in love with Kotori.'" she laughed quietly. "And that was that. I didn't have to think about it very hard and I didn't fight it either."

Even Kotori was wearing a gentle smile- albeit a little sad as well.

But Umi supposed that couldn't be helped.

"Why... Why didn't you say anything to me, Umi-chan? When you realized it, I mean..."

Umi hummed thoughtfully, lips pursed.

 _'Full honesty now, what would be the point otherwise?'_

Weary but resolved, she continued.

"Well, for many reasons." She sighed. "The main reasons I suppose... were that I was afraid... Afraid that our friendship would change if you had found out about my feelings. You are too nice to cut me out completely but..." Fear trickled into Umi's expression as she continued. "I didn't want to be distanced from you. I- I can't lose you, Kotori."

Kotori grasped at one of Umi's hands and held it tightly, a silent vow of sorts. But Umi shifted her gaze over to the couch cushions and the painting behind them.

"But I supposed we've already started to drift apart anyway" she sighed.

Bemused, Kotori followed Umi's line of sight.

"What do you mean?" She questioned, the puzzlement clear in her voice and expression.

"It's a small thing, really, but when I saw these cushions, the painting..." she gestured vaguely at the offending items, "I will admit I was a little hurt."

Umi smiled thinly as Kotori's expression remained confused.

"You always used to call or text me whenever you bought something new, ecstatic to share your new purchases with me. No matter how small. It hit me harder than it should have... I guess I just felt like we weren't as close as we used to be... Especially..."

Umi trailed off, uncertainty lacing her tone.

"Especially after last night..." she finished.

And by the look on Kotori's face, Umi knew that her friend was sorry about giving all of her attention to Honoka. But that didn't change the fact that it had hurt _._

"It's silly... But I just feel like Honoka means more to you than I do." The bluenette sighed. "Well, I suppose that _is_ true given that you're in love with her and all."

"Umi-chan..."

The blue-haired woman flashed Kotori a sad smile and just shook her head. "It's okay, really."

Umi sighed for the millionth time since the night before. For a moment she wondered if there was some sort of physical limit to how many times a person could sigh in 24 hours.

"But even if I could have somehow gotten the courage to tell you how I feel, I thought it would be selfish to confess to you." She paused, her voice getting softer. "I've come to accept that I'm probably not right for you. Someone bright and passionate seems to suit you better," she mused. "Not someone as strict as myself. I didn't want to put you in an awkward position when all you've wanted from me was my friendship."

As much as the words pained her, Umi was feeling lighter with each admission. There was a lingering tiredness that caused her shoulders to slump but she had decided that full honesty felt good.

Kotori had remained silent, brow furrowing lightly.

"Hey" Umi called softly, squeezing Kotori's hand to get her attention. "I'm sorry to dump all of this on you so suddenly. I just- I... I hope we can stay friends?"

Umi couldn't keep the apprehension she felt from seeping into her voice, the end of her sentence coming out as more of a question than a statement.

Kotori was looking at her thoughtfully.

The uncertainty of the situation had caused her insides to clench. The earlier lightness she felt was nowhere to be found as she met Kotori's pensive expression.

Finally, Kotori smiled gently at her.

"It makes me happy for you to have shared that with me."

Kotori's expression seemed trouble, the corners of her lips drooping as she seemed to get lost in her thoughts again.

"But..." Kotori trailed off, her brow furrowing once more. "I think I need time to... Process everything."

Umi simply nodded and gave the other woman a small smile.

Kotori was taking the situation better than she could have expected. She supposed it was due to how Kotori had already seemed to know about, or at least suspect, that Umi's feelings. But she was too tired to question how Kotori was able to figure it out in the first place. And this certainly wasn't the worst way for things to play out, either.

She was startled out of her thoughts when Kotori abruptly stood up from the couch and clapped her hands together.

"Well, it's pretty late now. Why don't we get some sleep, Umi-chan?" Kotori asked a little more cheerfully.

"Mm, I am feeling pretty tired." She nodded in agreement, thankful for some semblance of normalcy. "But I'll uh... I think I'll sleep on the couch tonight."

The blue-haired woman wanted to give her friend plenty of space to think and figured, aside from leaving, this was the best option.

But she was caught off guard when the amber-eyed woman jutted out her bottom lip and puffed her cheeks in the cutest possible manner.

"Ehhh~ No way, Umi-chan!" She protested. "We always share a bed whenever we have sleepovers and that isn't changing now."

Without giving Umi a chance to argue, Kotori grabbed one of her calloused hands and proceeded to tug the archer toward her bedroom.

Feeling too exhausted to argue and unable to fight against a pouting Kotori anyway, Umi allowed herself to be dragged along with a small smile.

* * *

 **Kotori**

Luckily, her bed was rather large so the two were able to fit comfortably without too much contact.

The two settled in and each had mumbled a sleepy 'good night' to one another.

Kotori felt a mix of surprise and relief when she noticed Umi's slow, steady breaths only moments later. The blue-haired woman was already fast asleep. Though she couldn't blame her for feeling drained.

But unlike the woman beside her, Kotori didn't think sleep would find her for some time.

After beginning to suspect Umi of having feelings for her, Kotori had expected to feel some sort of relief after confronting her. But her feelings were more muddled than ever.

She was undoubtedly feeling tired but thoughts of the woman next to her had been plaguing the amber-eyed woman since the previous night at the bar.

 _'I meant it when I said that I had never thought of her the same way I think of Honoka-chan...'_

Letting at a small, resigned sigh, she allowed those thoughts to wash over her mind again, hoping for some epiphany.

* * *

 **Flashback: After the Bar**

Kotori shut the door to her apartment and leaned back against it with a deep sigh. The night had been much more tiring than she had thought it would be.

She straightened up and slipped her shoes off by the door. Dragging her feet, she made her way over to the couch and plopped down face first. She clutched one of her newly purchased couch cushions to her face and groaned into it.

Her mind was buzzing was with feelings she couldn't even begin to process.

Kotori had been ecstatic to see the object of her affections again. Although it was a group meeting and she had also been excited to see everyone, she could admit she had spent most of her time focused on Honoka.

And why wouldn't she?

She is in love with her, after all.

 _'Right?'_

Her orange-haired childhood friend had always been someone who stood out. And Kotori had always admired the way that Honoka could set her heart on something and, metaphorically speaking, blaze her own trail.

In that way, Kousaka Honoka and Minami Kotori were complete opposites. The designer had always been content to follow her childhood friends and supporting them however she could.

And then there was Umi. Rather than excitable and outgoing, Umi was composed and gentle. And based on some of the lyrics she had written for Muse, rather emotional.

When the bread-lover was passionate about something it was hard to take your eyes off of her and Kotori loved that. In those moments she felt fired up and excited, too.

Of course, Umi was also the type to be unstoppable when she set her heart was set on something. And her passion showed through her hard work and dependable nature; whether it was as a member of Muse, the student council, the archery team, or just as a friend. Kotori appreciated that sort of determination, too.

She couldn't deny that Umi was a little strict at times. It made sense considering she had grown up in a fairly traditional Japanese family. But the blue-haired woman was strict within acceptable levels. Her responsible nature was part of the reason that both the trio and Muse had accomplished as much as they did.

But with Umi, the emotions and sensations that Kotori felt were different.

When they were together Kotori felt serene, safe, and content.

And the archer had always been encouraging of Kotori's desires and dreams outside of being an idol.

And that's not to say that Honoka wasn't. Kotori knew that both of her childhood friends would want nothing but the best for her.

But the ways that the two supported her were different. While Honoka would give Kotori her opinion on matters, Umi would ask the ashen-haired woman what her opinion was, what it was that _she_ wanted and listened closely, offering advice when needed.

And before she knew it, her thoughts were drifting back to the blue-haired woman.

Just earlier that night she had been too absorbed in Honoka's dazzling aura to give Umi- or anyone, for that matter- her attention. Honoka had been practically bouncing in her seat in her excitement and Kotori couldn't tear her eyes away. The reason for that was most likely due to her relationship with Kira Tsubasa.

And shouldn't she be in a much worse state after getting her heart broken? Umi had been able to soothe her in mere moments.

She was well and truly baffled. Honoka was always the one that she could never take her mind off of- but why was it that images of her blue-haired friend's saddened expressions lingered in her thoughts?

 _Maybe because of the intensity of emotion that Umi-chan had shown when we were alone'_ she mused.

The bluenette was always earnest- at times almost stupidly so. And the combined sullen and earnest expressions refused to leave Kotori's mind.

Although it hadn't taken much to calm her, during their talk near the restrooms Umi had looked more heartbroken than she felt.

 _'But why? Was she recently rejected too?'_

That also didn't make sense to Kotori. Who would have the audacity to reject such an amazing woman?

And as Kotori tried to recall to whether Umi had dropped any hints about who she liked, she had an odd realization.

In all of the time that she had known the blue-haired woman, she had never- not once- mentioned anything about having romantic feelings for someone.

Sure, Umi would complain every now and again that she was constantly being confessed to by both men and women alike, but that was simply out of exasperation. Anyone that got confessed to that frequently would complain as well.

She felt pinpricks in her heart thinking that Umi didn't trust her enough to confide in her.

And then Umi's words began to repeat in her head.

 _'She said she understood how I felt when we were talking about my unrequited love... That anyone would be lucky to have me.'_

Kotori rolled over so that she was now on her side, the pillow still pressed to her face.

 _'...If I didn't know any better I would say that the way Umi-chan behaved seemed like she was in love with me. But that couldn't possibly be right. Umi-chan has never said anything about liking girls before...'_

 _'Then again... She doesn't talk about her love life at all...'_

She grew increasingly suspicious as she recalled all of the time they had spent together, all of the stolen glances that she never paid any mind to, and the differences in the way Umi would interact with her and Honoka.

She resolved to confront Umi about it before sleep finally took her.

 **End Flashback**

* * *

 **Umi: The Morning After**

Umi woke with a strange sense of clarity as she opened her eyes to the brightly lit room.

Even as a morning person it was rare for her to wake without any feeling of grogginess.

Truthfully, she felt lighter than she had in years and thanks to the emotional outpouring, she slept like a rock.

Her friendship with Kotori was in an awkward position, but last night had made her confident that things would work out in the end. She was sure something in their normal dynamic would change, no matter how slight. It pained her to think about but it was also something that she would need to accept.

Feeling movement behind her, she shifted under the blanket and turned to see amused amber eyes _very_ close to her face.

Startled, she tensed and fought against every instinct telling her to yelp and jump out of the bed.

"Good morning, Umi-chan~" Kotori cooed sweetly. She was lying on her side with her head propped against her hand- and her face was still _very_ close.

"G-good morning, Kotori... And please don't scare me so early in the morning" she pouted.

The ashen-haired woman giggled and apologized in such a way that told the bluenette she wasn't sorry at all.

Clearing her throat to dispel any lingering nervousness, Umi sat up and turned toward the designer.

"How long have you been awake, Kotori? I'm usually up before you."

"All night," she replied instantly. "Umi-chan's sleeping face is so cute that I couldn't bring myself to miss it~"

Umi's expression was a look of concern with a light pink blush dusting her cheeks.

"A-all night?!"

"That's right," Kotori agreed easily.

The blush had faded from Umi's cheeks, leaving only a look of concern. "Trouble sleeping?"

But expression instantly morphed into one of guilt. "...was it because of me? Because I slept here?" She asked quietly.

It was Kotori's turn to be startled.

"N-no, that's not it, Umi-chan," Kotori responded quickly while sitting up and angling her body toward Umi. "Sorry, I shouldn't have been so vague..."

Umi looked skeptical but nodded anyway. She should have insisted on sleeping on the couch last night.

And it struck her that maybe things between them were worse than she had initially thought. Panic was starting to seize her insides-

She was quickly drawn out of her reverie by warms hands finding their way into hers.

She looked up and was greeted by the tenderest expression she had ever seen from Kotori.

The very sight of it was causing her to melt. She hoped that if she stared long enough that she would be able to etch the image into her mind for the rest of her life.

And the soft voice that Kotori spoke with was like the sweetest melody she had ever heard. The greatest composers couldn't dream of creating a more beautiful sound.

"Actually, I was up all night thinking," a light blush had found its way to Kotori's cheeks and the hands holding hers squeezes a little more tightly. "And well..."

She watched as Kotori's gaze slowly traveled from her eyes, down her nose, and settled on her lips. Her heart began to beat so rapidly that it almost drowned out the ashen-haired woman's next words.

"Mmm we'll talk after this..." Kotori muttered softly as she slowly closed the distance between the two.

Their lips were brought together in a tentative and gentle kiss.

Umi had never considered herself to be very religious, but she silently thanked any and all gods in the universe as Kotori caressed her cheek and tilted her head to deepen the kiss.

* * *

 **A/N:** It took me longer than I would have liked to finish this chapter. My style for each chapter so far has been to just sit down, make a rough outline of the chapter and then write whatever comes to mind. I felt like I kinda backed myself into a corner with that last chapter so it took me quite some time to come up with a product that I found acceptable.

As always, thank you for the reviews, favorites, and follows! Feedback is always greatly appreciated. I promise my next story will be fluffier to balance out all of this angst (for WolfGangSBD who pointed out that there are not enough fluffy KotoUmi stories). I'm planning to update soon!


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